Saturday, February 21, 2009

Tears

Tears,
gut-wrenching pain,
stinging rain,
hurting, bottling,
hurtling, tossing,
cheek-burning,
soul-churning,
silent,
wailing,
dark,
flailing,
pain.

The precipice,
chasm of deep,
insanity,
sleep.
Permanent escape.
Hurling through space,
tethered to...

Laughter,
gut-splitting pain,
cleansing rain,
healing, washing,
hurtling, tossing,
cheek-burning,
soul-churning,
silent,
wailing,
bright,
flailing,
laughter.

From my facebook...

Discussion question posted by Rob:

Ever had someone really important to you think that your need for a deeper walk with Christ was nothing but an elaborate game to draw their attention to you? What did you do to fight the pain that that ripped through you? What did you do to fight the sheer pain that ripped through you?

My post:

I heard their criticism for what it was. And I cried. Then I decided: God is not done with me yet!

I have seen it happen before, when trust is broken down and the one in need of convincing still sees signs of the old self - the one that cannot be trusted- peeking through the new self as though hiding behind blinds. Which self can be trusted? There are so many things we do that we do not know we do. Things that have unintended consequences. Especially if we have lived together, there are words and actions that are matted in and intertwined with that sense of mistrust. God is not done with us yet. There is more yet for us to see before we are truly changed.
Show me more, LORD. Show me all that I have done wrong. Show me how I have broken down trust. Show me how I have hurt. Show me the elaborate games I have played in the past and teach me, oh Lord, teach me how to live apart from these elaborate games that I play. "Therefore, submit to God. But resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, sinners, and purify your heart, double-minded people! Be miserable and mourn and weep. Your laughter must change to mourning and your joy to sorrow. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up." James 4:7-10

Monday, February 16, 2009

Faithfulness

Great is thy faithfulness

Oh God, my Father.

There is no shadow of turning with thee.




Thou changest not,

Thy compassions they fail not.

For thou hast been

and forever will be.

Great is thy faithfulness.

Great is thy faithfulness!

Morning by morning new mercies I see.



All I have needed thy hand hast provided.

Great is thy faithfulness

Lord unto me.

God's Facebook - The Writing on the wall.

In the morning when I get up one of the first things I do is check my Facebook and email to see if anyone left me any important messages or to be reminded of what needs to be done that day.

Sometimes there are inspiring stories, or photos that touch my heart, or encouraging words from a friend.

What if the Bible were God's Facebook?
What would his profile photo be?
What would his description of himself be?
Who would be on his friends list? Paul, Timothy, Mosses, Adam and Eve, Hannah, Ruth and Boaz, Jacob for sure would be there, and Abraham...probably in his top ten list.
What common friends would we have?

What would I find on God's wall? What would he write on mine?

There are many ways for God to speak - just as there are many ways for us to communicate with our friends - so why am I more likely to share a news story or say an encouraging word on facebook than I am in person? Many reasons, probably, but I am guessing those same reasons are closely tied to the reason the Bible is such a tangible means for us to see God's face in the day, to hear his inspiring stories or to feel his words of encouragement.

Every day I have the opportunity to open my facebook and see what God has waiting there for me. Perhaps I am not spending enough time looking for what God is writing on my wall.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Storms

I look toward the horizon.
I see the storm coming,
I feel winds of change across my soul.
I've been here before, I smell the enemy,
waiting to shred lessons unfurled.

I sense deep within
to watch darkening clouds,
to feel the pelting rain,
is to fail to learn the lesson;
to stand soaking in unnecessary pain...

I've learned from the past,
few storms are outrun.
It just tatters unfurling sails.
The lessons that come in the wind and the rain
in time the sun reveals.

When the storm has passed
It is then that more gentle winds
carry me along,
and the sails unfurled, the lessons learned,
take me to where I belong.

So I come to You,
my Sanctuary,
my safe place in the storm.
Here I find in the quiet and still
that I know you are God.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Red days

Friday was a red day.

From the moment my eyelids lifted I sensed it coming - and the day did not disappoint. Company was coming, the kids were all energy and I was in an irritable, discouraged, self-pitying mood.

The children each took their turns waving their red flag in true matadorian style. I am not an angry person. True rage is probably the sin I struggle with least. Not this day, though.

The house needed to be cleaned. Rounding up the kids to help was like herding a bunch of Ferrel cats. All afternoon I fought off tears; from guilt, frustration and the pain of biting my venomous tongue lest the awful words pooling there leak through my clenched teeth.

Company was coming and I wanted to take the time for more than surface cleaning. Murphey's Law: if I sweep it under the rug, or stuff it in a closet, or fail to sweep under the cushions, or throw it all in a back room that is where the company will go and all that I try to hide will be revealed. So the stress mounted as I attempted to herd my Ferrel cats into cleaning beyond their usual chores, and wave after wave of red rage washed over me.

Sweep, sweep, sweep - under the rug the rage went.

All the while I cried out to God - what is wrong with me? This is not like me!

"Yes it is, " He replied. "This is what your flesh is made of. You are a sinner. You are waging war against the members of your flesh. The same war waged by the drug addict, the murderer, the adulterer, the dictator, the power hungry, the liar, the child, the old man - and yes, even me, in the desert...do you remember? "

As I chattered with God it suddenly occurred to me - I am cleaning my house for my guests, but in my soul house I am sweeping it all under the rug. I might be able to hide my soul house from my guests, but the one who lives there sees all. There is no sweeping it under the rug with Him. It came down to this: Who was I trying to please? Our company, with my clean house (which is not even clean by most people's standards when it is the most clean I can achieve at this station in life.)? God? Or me?

So I smiled and released the children to play - good work today. Enjoy some free time before the guests arrive. Maybe we'll go out to eat, who knows? I began to sweep my soul-house clean. Immediately the red rage was gone and slowly the necessary pieces fell together. A friend called, husband came home a little early. The shopping, dinner, house and company - it all came together and everyone was genuinely happy when the doorbell rang.

Friday was indeed a red day; Grace- red, mercy- red, forgiveness- red. Blood-red.

I don't like red days - but I am thankful for them because they remind me that I am a sinner daily in need of a savior. I am reminded that He once had a red Friday, and He used it to become the savior I so desperately need.